Modern Military Mother

18/07/11

Hagar writes;
“So, finally back off to war. It’s a strange feeling leaving home, kind of bittersweet; the excitement of heading back to a conflict zone, versus the pain of leaving those you love. It’s hardest as you get on the bus from camp to the departure airhead. Everyone sits in silence after the initial banter; deep in their own thoughts of what they are leaving behind and what awaits them in theatre. You get to the airhead and the buzz begins again as you check in. It’s the usual banter about business class seats and fit air hostesses……

Then more waiting and thinking. The flight usually seems to go quite quickly, on the way out. Before you know it you have arrived and then it hits you once again – the heat. 37 degrees in the middle of the night. Walking down the steps from the air conditioned jet you begin to sweat. It takes a few days to get acclimatised so you immediately become aware of how much water you will have to take on every day – we always have a bottle of water to hand when we can, especially on the cab – usually warm!

You get a small adrenaline buzz as you first step back onto Afghan soil. Memories of previous dets come flooding back and a shiver runs up your spine, not knowing what is to come on this one. Mainly though you are glad to have arrived; looking forward to getting stuck in again, doing the job you love. The job I love. The flying here is the best, the most challenging, the scariest and the most fun.

The other thing that hits you is the smell, dry hot smells; aviation fuel, burning fires and human excrement – the smell I miss the least! At first your senses become almost overwhelmed, then quickly you become used to it again and you simply crack on. A different life from the one you have just left begins, you move forward, onwards and upwards. Now is the time to step up to the plate and do what you have training to do for a long time, things may have changed since you were last here, but the job is essentially the same; fly hard, provide support, provide effect get everyone in and get everyone out. Simple.”

Home front:
AMMM writes;
“I am hooked on the News International scandal of the decade. I am gripped by the corruption and subterfuge. It is endemic. I predict that this will be as big as Profumo. Everybody disagrees with me. But I think it could be bring Cameron down. It certainly could fell News International.
It’s the best telly we have had for ages. I hear tales of old school tie. Of power elites in London of top media types rubbing each others backs and lining each others interest.
What surprises is me is that everyone is so surprised. Quelle horreur – what is this the biggest news corporation in the world is corrupt and adopts underhand practices to get to the heart of the matter by scurrilous means? Surely not? Non! And it appears that nobody at the top knew about it – really? I put it to you m’lud that they all knew about it! Even Cameron! And they all thought that they could just sweep it under the carpet and put a chair over it. (IMHO – obviously, I am speculating. Please don’t send the chief of wolves out to get me so I can be turned to stone. But c’mon!! Who in Great Britain believes that they didn’t know about it! Seriously!)

The crisis reminds me of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. The White Witch is the land’s self-proclaimed queen. She tyrannizes Narnia through her magically imposed rule. Her spell on Narnia has made it “always winter but never Christmas” for a hundred years. When provoked, she turns creatures to stone with her wand.
But who is Aslan in all of this? Please don’t let it be Ed Miliband. What’s Nick Clegg up to? So I watch with baited breath – will this crisis bring down Cameron? I have heard he is very good buddies with RB. He had the whole News International team over for drinky-poos the other day at number 10. I wonder if he hosts a Guardian Media Group drinky poos too. To be impartial, of course. Is this the fall of Rome – are the walls crumbling around them or will they weather the crisis? I am gripped and am just loving watch the drama unfold. Is the collapse of News of the World a house of cards that will bring down the Murdoch empire? You couldn’t make it up and make it more exciting!

This has proved to be a welcome distraction in the face of Hagar’s recent departure. Interestingly, I was interviewed by Heart FM about how I felt about himself going to war for the 7th time. The interviewer made an interesting point, which I didn’t have the heart to jump upon at the time. She said something along the lines of ‘the job of the wife is to’…..Being a wife is a job? I didn’t know that when I said ‘I do’ I had taken on a job. I am naive, I suppose. If I had known that being a wife was a job then I would have negotiated the T&Cs much harder. I would have asked for a better pension, a wage, better working hours. I had never thought about being a wife as a job – or being a husband as a job. If I had known it was a job I would never have signed the contract in the first place!”

02/04/11
Meditation Day

I was contacted by Catherine at the London Meditation Project because she wanted to connect with military spouses. She offered me a free day of meditation in London. I jumped at the chance. I think I have made no secret of my feminist hippy values and I am always open to new ideas and new ways of thinking. I love the exploration of the new. I obviously reserve the right to disagree too.

Catherine posted her meditation day invitation on the forum Rear Party and quite frankly it went down like a pint of cold sick. Nobody signed up. We spoke on the phone and she invited me along to a day for veterans, which passed last Sunday. I dragged Hagar along too. He's a stressed out bunny right now and he was willing to check it out.

The day was fascinating. I truly loved every second of it. Catherine sent me some questions and so I am going to answer them for you. I want you to know the feedback is honest and fresh. Here goes...

*What drew you personally to want to explore meditation?*

I don't know. I didn't know what it was but ultimately, I was looking for some calm and reflection in my life because I am feeling burnt out and raw.

*What needs do you think meditation could help meet for military service people and combat veterans?*

I think we all need to take some time out in our days, in our lives to stop and reflect on why we are who we are. This time for reflection is priceless and yet there seems never be enough room in the day to make it so.

*How was the meditation teaching for you? Was it clear and helpful?*

Yes, strangely it was incredibly helpful although I never felt I was being taught. What I took from it was that in order to meditate you need to stop, sit still, close your eyes, try to count, breathe and not speak. Not speaking was my biggest challenge. I speak too much. Bizarrely, to not speak was very liberating.

*What parts of the day were most important for you? Shrine room time, learning new skills? Open discussion? An environment of trust and openness? Please let us know any details you wish to feed back about any of these things.*

The whole day was important to me. I loved the openness and the trust. I loved the shrine room time and I embraced the news skills. I found meditating hard but yet liberating. What amazed me most was the instructors we met took on a different form to me in the shrine room from the chat that I had in the normality of the room upstairs. They were one thing upstairs and yet in the shrine room they were different people. It's difficult to explain. The presentation was so contrasting from the military environment. Military personnel dominate a room with their presence. Yet the meditation teachers had very discrete presences out of the shrine room and yet as they shared their skills their confidence and assurance was exuded in a completely passive yet skilled and experienced manner.

*Any comments on the structure of the day*

Military personnel will need a clearer leadership but the structure was perfect.

*Comments on the way the facilitation worked:*

I loved the centre. It was intimate but yet still clinical enough to not be insincere.

*How was the hospitality?! Did you like the place, the food etc. Did you feel comfortable in the place?*

I loved it! The hospitality was brilliant. The food was divine. I feel happy just thinking back on it.

*Would you recommend trying meditation to others in Military Service, and to ex-Servicemen? Is there a gap you perceive in welfare support that this could help to fill?*

I would recommend it to everyone. I think it is important to take some time out of your day to sit and reflect. There is a gap but I think you need to overcome people's embarrassment about the fact that they don't understand what it is, that they think it's bullshit and they are afraid to ask for help.

*How can you envision meditation contributing: as stress management, support in decompression, supporting partners and families to have some space to be together with support to relax and 'be' in a different way? A way to offer support for those holding a huge amount of emotional experience and stress - through trauma, injury and loss and/or through sustained intensely demanding conditions... etc.*

I think it would be brilliant way of re-connecting families with their partners after prolonged periods of absence and two very different worlds of experience. It would be an amazing, passive way of bridging the gap and bringing the worlds together in a supportive, shared environment. It would encourage dialogue and also create a community of people who have shared experiences to connect and lean on each other. No doubt the feeling is that it is already in place and they don't need help. There is a lot of denial. This is the hurdle that needs to be overcome. In order to help the community the community needs to acknowledge there is a problem. I don't know how you do that. First rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club.

*Do you have any suggestions for form, location etc of future courses, days and residential retreats?*

I think you need to take this to the community. The community will not go out and seek help because of the denial. They will not come to you.

*Your own words, thoughts and experience on this will help us no end.*

I am one person in a sea of many. I think this project is inspired and I hope that you have the success that you seek. The military is tightly, coiled spring who cannot look beyond science. This will help if they let you in. Somehow you have to work out how to unlock them. Unfortunately, I don't have the answer. Hagar and I talked all the way home. Today, I have decided to create a meditation room in my house. A place dedicated to silent reflection. I left the day feeling very calm and strong. I don't want to lose that. It was amazing to meet you all. It was incredible to think that I sat still for 3 x 30 minutes and didn't speak and barely moved. For me, a person of many words and a complete fidget pants it was a hugely challenging experience. But in the words of the Dalai Lama - "Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."

If you want to know more about Catherine and her inspired idea to bring meditation to the military then email her:

Catherine Powell
catherine@londonmeditationproject.org

She would love to hear from you. She wants to help and she had done a lot of work with US military, who are a little more evolved in their openness. Catherine genuinely cares. Don't be frightened, I promise you can trust her. She is a white light and she is lovely.

01/12/10
I'm deserting after Christmas...

It's a busy few weeks for A Modern Military Mother. Christmas officially kicks off on Friday with the annual Christmas Draw at RAF Odiham. This year I have decide to indulge in a full pamper-thon of waxing, plucking, steaming and shaping, as my ageing, tired old body deteriorates I need all the help I can get to hold my head up high amongst those that are not tortured by the persistent sleep deprivation of children. Well that's what I told Hagar anyway.

Next week we attend The Grenade's Christmas Carol Concert and we begin the work up to the last week of school before the mammoth 5 week holiday commences. Then there are some family engagements to exchange gifts pre the big day. On Christmas Eve we are having the neighbours over for mulled wine and mince pies filo parcels topped with whipped cream mixed with vanilla, SailorJerry rum and crunchy demerera sugar.

We are hosting chez nous this Christmas and for the first time in years, we are having turkey. The menu for the day will be Smoked Duck Breast Salad with Pomegranate Vinagrette, Turkey Breast Stuffed with Pistachio and Cranberry, Brussel Sprouts with beetroot and toasted almonds, whisky carrots and goose fat roast potatoes with a rich, thick gravy, followed by Sticky Toffee Pudding and an elaborate cheese board of stinkiness, washed down with tawny Port. The wine list is TBC as of yet.

I am then heading off to Dubai for a week's R&R sans Hagar and les enfants so that I can rest and prepare for his pending deployment in the New Year. He can't come because he has PDT, plus he's just had some R&R sans famille and also it will give him a good opportunity to really appreciate the fact that he is going to actually have a nice rest away from his kids, while he is deployed.

(Calm down, I am only joking - war is simple. Family is messy. See this blog post here: http://amodernmilitarymother.com/2010/05/25/hagars-fantasy-family/ )

I have a nice little travel commission that I need to write, which can be slotted neatly in before he departs. Watch this space for the latest on ex-pat living in downtown Dubai.

You can find me on the pages of December issue of Prima Baby & Pregnancy - page 71 and also if you are quick I am a running a competition to giveaway £133.92 worth of toys from Toys R Us - see this blog post here:
http://amodernmilitarymother.com/2010/12/01/and-the-winner-is/
Closing date is December 8th.

There are lots of exciting things happening in the New Year and most importantly I shall be looking at ways to raise money for The Forces Children Trust, my dedicated charity.
http://www.forceschildrenstrust.org/

A MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE & A HAPPY NEW YEAR

FOR THOSE DEPLOYED - BE VIGILANT AT ALL TIMES

18/10/10
Do Women Watch War Films?

Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger were embedded for 10 months, with the US Army; but I feel like I have been embedded with the RAF for the last 10 years. An anthropological observer, trying to understand, and navigate the plethora of unwritten codes of conduct and expectation.

Up until last year, when Hagar was deployed, I would bury my head in the sand, crack open the wine, count up to the middle and down again until he came home, whilst avoiding the news as much as possible. I didn’t even want to look at the war. In the 12 years we have been together he has been to Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, Bosnia, Iraq (approx 4 times) and Afghanistan (approx 4 times) – to be honest I lose count. I would say that probably over 50% of our relationship has been apart. At one point, he was doing 8 weeks on and 8 weeks off, so ‘going to war’ just became part of our every day life.

The tempo of ops for all the Chinook guys and gals is high. In fact, Hagar was awarded a Mention-In-Despatches after one deployment for some daring do. It was difficult to know what to say, how to support him because his ‘away journey’ was one I could never understand. There wasn’t a break for either of us. It’s hard to explain it, but this bouncing apart and coming together, with profound life changing experiences happening in an unknown country, with ramifications, and meaning, that aren’t everyday dinner conversations, are hard to put into words, and so, often, he didn’t. He just brooded, and found his own way back to us, whilst I watched, and waited in the eaves of his darkness, for the unravelling to occur.

In September 2008, I began researching, and writing, a battlefield memoir about the role of the Chinooks, in Afghanistan, and in the British Armed Forces. Suddenly, I was forced to confront face-on a subject matter that I had been purposefully ignoring. I was very lucky to be surrounded by experts that helped, and supported me, on my journey, starting at The Great Game; to the fall of the Northern Alliance; to September 11th; to the Bonn Agreement. I had always buffered my fears, with the certain comfort that the Chinook is the best-defended aircraft, and the aviation best bet, for my own warrior-class serviceman. The whole tempo of the memoir was centred on the notion that the Taliban had identified the CH47 (Chinook) as a glory target. They called it the cow. It was the ultimate prize to down one, and dance around it, showcasing their majesty to the world. Never in the history of the British Chinook force had an aircraft been shot down in combat.

I laid down the 100,000 word manuscript in 10 weeks in an intensive, marathon writing session, where I became unnaturally immersed in a conflict I had never visited, flying an aircraft I had never flown, as a person I would never be. One month after the book hit the bookshelves, the worst happened. Hagar got a call at midnight, summoning him to work. I knew before the story broke in the media. A British Chinook had been shot down in Afghanistan. The first ever in its history. I knew the pilot. I knew the pilot that picked them up. It felt very up, close and very personal, and I had a huge disproportionate reaction to it and freaked out. This cushion of safety, of vigilance, of aircraft redundancy, of training and being the best they could be shattered around me and all over of a sudden I was hit with the under-deniable reality of the true danger of Afghanistan. A danger that I had been blissfully, and ignorantly, ignoring as a coping mechanism for the endless churn of ops that I was enduring from the domestic frontline.

Since the book was published, I now bravely look the ‘war machine’ in the eye, and try to make sense of the conflict. All the research and understanding hasn’t made me any wiser. I am just frustrated by the complexity of the problem. I am a problem solver. I am a fixer and Afghanistan is an intricate, layered, very tricky puzzle indeed.

So as a wife of a service man do I watch war films? The answer is yes, I do. I have done since before I met Hagar. The first war film I loved was ‘Sink the Bizmarck’. Hagar and I watched Band of Brothers and The Pacific religiously. They are brilliant depictions of combat. In fact, I think Restrepo is the documentary that Band of Brothers would have been if it had been recorded in real time; in the same way Tim and Sebastian recorded Restrepo. The notion of brotherhood at the heart of the war machine, that Tim discusses in our interview , is not new but it has never been so acutely and accurately captured as in the making of Restrepo.

The wives and families of Restrepo troops watched the film, and gleaned an understanding of what their loved ones had experienced at the outpost. One wife said, “I wish I had seen RESTREPO before my divorce, it’d given me an understanding of my ex-husband’s experience that I wish I had had while I was with him. He never shared.”

When I spoke with Dan Kearney he told me he had stopped feeling. He had buried his emotions, deep inside his soul and thrown away the key. Men are not sharers. Sharing is a sign of weakness. The men of Restrepo are warriors; they are Spartans. They write tattoos shouting “Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself”. The military men want you to understand by osmosis what they have experienced, and then instinctively know how to empathise, love and support them as they internalise their pain and emotions. At the sharp end of combat, tattooed in war paint, armed and braced for battle the young Spartan is an adrenaline charged, fighting, macho machine. But in the aftermath, in the comedown of combat, in the bosom of home, when the adrenaline surges out of his body, he is a boy again, with skin, bones, and feelings that he would rather not have.

As a wife of a military pilot, and the mother of a young son, there is a lot to be gained from watching Restrepo. It’s a brave watch, with a window into battle. It shows that “war is not the glorious adventure depicted on films; it’s cruel, destructive and worst of all, indiscriminate in the slaughter and maiming of women and children and non-combatants who play no part in the conflict.”

But it is a film of great energy and spirit. It will show you into the soul of the soldier and help you understand the highs and lows, the strength and the vulnerabilities, and the intensity of war. Sometimes, you need to look at things you don’t want to see to understand the things you can’t see.

What’s interesting for me is that two, very serious, aging social observers and recorders, Sebastian Junger and Tim Hetherington, went into the edge of Armageddon and got so much more then they had ever bargained for. They became ensconced; enchanted by the brotherhood and joined them. I suspect that was not what they foresaw at all.

At the launch of Infidel, Tim Hetherington’s latest book, he stood before the room and he looked exposed and vulnerable like a Ninja Turtle without his shell. But, I can imagine embedded in battle, with his flack jacket and camera, he is shooting his own weapon, and is in a warrior-class of his own.

The creation of his book, the film, Restrepo, and Sebastian Junger’s book, War have a created an incredible insight to the psyche of the soldier. Infidel, the leather bound, black, stunning, book of creativity is homage to the Spartan Warrior, from the outpost Restrepo. A collection of moving, beautiful, tragic and uplifting images, recording and illustrating, the feral, adrenaline charged pack of brothers that fought on the edge of a mountain, trying to build a road, fighting an enemy they couldn’t see and didn’t really understand but knew hated them; the Infidel.

There will be a screening of Restrepo in Farnham, Surrey on 1st November. Please see: http://screenings.dogwoof.com/products/restrepo-tickets-01-nov-2010-19-0...

04/10/10
Hagar’s Fantasy Family

Starring:

The Voice - me, the wife
Hagar the Horrible – the husband, British RAF CH47 pilot
The Grenade – 7 year old son
The Menace – 2 year old daughter

It’s been awhile since Hagar’s been deployed on ops, and as I prepare for its coming I think back to the challenges we have previously faced. The thing about the war in Afghanistan is that it is a violent, feudal battlefield but life is ordered and structured. Hagar goes to war and he can focus solely on the job at hand. They eat, sleep, plan, brief, execute, de-brief, eat, sleep, maybe they’ll work out, read, banter with each other. Life is laid out for them in a structured, co-ordinated manner. Hagar walks into a room to give a brief. The room is silent and listens to what he has to say until he has finished speaking.

He takes with him photos of us; his family, in still, poised poses. Good pictures, where we are happy, beautiful statues of perfections. He pines and aches for us as he remembers fondly the moments he played dinosaur battles on the living room floor with The Grenade, our 7-year-old son. He imagines me cooking up a warm homely, veritable feast like a domestic goddess, keeping the home fires burning, laughing gaily as he speaks and celebrating the Utopian banter of our perfect marriage.

And when he returns home, all suntanned, dusty and crunchy from the sand and the initial moments of euphoria of being re-united are over and normal life kicks. The memories of his fantasy family are shattered and he is faced with his real family. The Grenade is whinging; eardrum shattering whines because something that he deemed essential to his very being has been denied to him. The house is chaotic, strewn with toys, dinner is not served and the bubba is screaming. He starts to talk to me about something that barely interests me, maybe something mechanical and military like. I start thinking about something else distracted. He looks at me and says, ‘I am talking to you and you are not listening,’ and I reply, ‘yes, I know but it’s not that interesting and I am your wife, not one of your crew and I reserve the right, to be bored, switch off, interrupt and think about something else, entirely irrelevant and disconnected to your conversation.’

Sometimes it’s easy and simpler to go to war. Hagar knows where he is at war. Home is messy, noisy, chaotic and full of hormonal, evolving people who don’t follow the rules. I know he loves us, and we love him, but there is more than just distance between war and home. This is why the re-integration back in is always complicated as we all learn how to be around each other again.